you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
