I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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