I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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