I just threw up on my dentist
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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