Someone shit on the floor
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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