It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
