Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
