My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
