So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
