you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
