apparently the secret to your success is patron
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
