whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
