I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
