I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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