Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
