holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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