we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
