Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she pinky promised me she was 18
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
