He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
