My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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