Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
