Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
