She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
