I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
