DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
