i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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