the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
