can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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