Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
