i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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