If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
