thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
