he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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