I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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