Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
