Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
