I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize