I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
