I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
