I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You made out with two different species that night
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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