I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
