Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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