I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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