did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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