Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
