i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
