Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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