o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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