yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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