At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
