god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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