You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
