I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
