I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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