i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
