so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
