he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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