My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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