I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize