I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
