Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
