I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
