I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize