We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My vagina is officially offended.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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