take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Barsexuality is the new black.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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